over the last three and a half years, i’ve learned a lot of lessons about how to talk to and support people when they’re going through really hard things. it’s been a wonderful, eye-opening, hard exercise in the fact that most people don’t know how to support someone who is going through something hard. we aren’t taught how to do it, really - empathy is tricky and slippery. brene brown talks about it here - a video that i return to and send around often because i think it really nails the ways that empathy helps, and sympathy can be distancing.
it is no secret that everyone, to some extent, is having a hard time right now. there are the daily hardships, and then there are the bigger picture implications. it’s fair to say that everyone will be able to point to concrete, immediate, and long-lasting ways that the COVID-19 situation has impacted them.
but because i’m in the business of supporting grad students, a lot of what i’m reading and thinking about is how this will impact them. there are hiring freezes around the world, classes cancelled, work moved online with little support, incredibly murky job prospects, data collection halts, research impacts - the list goes on. and a lot of my work in the last few weeks has been undoing the well-intended (i hope) but unhelpful advice and coaching grad students are getting from everyone around them.
so i’ll outline a few of the common refrains i’m seeing, explain why they’re so frustrating, and then (because i’m not a monster) end with some suggestions for how to reframe and rephrase! of course - how we talk is just one part of this equation, but it is an important part.
unhelpful comments:
at least you have your research/books/some funding left/a few nibbles from the market
this will blow over in [a year, a few years] - just keep writing!
have you tried [setting a schedule, making a writing group, using a pom timer]?
i was on hiring committees/got a job in 2008; qualified candidates will always have opportunities
it’s also really hard to write a book at home and teach at home even WITH tenure
have you considered going into [any of the common alt-ac jobs, especially in academic spaces, which are all furloughed right now}?
higher ed has always been broken, this was always going to happen in some way or another
these are all, generally, unhelpful, because they:
try and find silver linings/redirect away from real loss and grief
make false equivalencies
minimize/ignore the structural stability and power differential between faculty and grad students
generalize about all loss without respecting the individual expereince
no one is saying that it’s easy to be a faculty member with tenure right now, or that there haven’t been losses in the market before. some of the suggestions about schedules and writing groups are ones that i myself am making! it isn’t that the advice is bad, it’s that the advice can’t be the first step. when you suggest alternatives, or insist, even implicitly, that people move into the problem solving phase, you set up your support as conditional. no one owes you proof they’ve considered alternatives in order to be sad.
grad students are smart people! i can confirm that there isn’t a grad student on earth right now that isn’t at least a little bit aware that suddenly, the entire game has changed. no matter what stage of study, from early coursework to just about to cross the finish line - every grad student is grappling with the reality that a return to “normal” is on the distant horizon, if there at all. their goals for research have changed. publication plans are shifted. the job market is hard to even think about. offers are being rescinded and universities are shutting down and an already precarious, oversaturated higher education landscape is only going to become more so. sure, starting a writing group might help in the short term to keep some structure and move projects forward, but that’s not all that students need from their advisors, supervisors, and mentors right now.
things you can say that are helpful as a person who works with grad students:
how are you doing?
this really sucks
i don’t even know what to say right now
this is really hard
what would be helpful right now?
do you want to strategize or brainstorm? it’s okay if you don’t
i might not fully understand what you’re going through, but you can count on my support
what can i do to support you?
when should we next touch base?
i’m overwhelmed right now, and will be less available than normal. but you can contact me during [x time frame] or get in touch with [other person] if you need something immediately.
i’m sorry if came off as condescending or gruff before. i really don’t know what to say, and was attempting to offer support.
things you can do that are helpful as a person who works with grad students:
validate validate validate! most people want to be seen and heard when they’re hurting - it’s much more important than being able to fix something that is probably unfixable
ask if people want suggestions or advice before offering them - many people do want to brainstorm, but asking first is always a good idea! sometimes people have some processing work to do before they’re ready to move on to the next step
try not to draw equivalencies - especially for grad students who are looking at a job market that changed so suddenly and horribly. you can have had a hard time on the market while also respecting that this is not the same market.
get clear about your own boundaries and how you’re taking care of yourself! this is a really stressful time for everyone. you might not have the same bandwidth to be on email all day, quickly turn around drafts, or meet regularly. but if you communicate when you will be available, and for what, ahead of time, then your students can have a chance to plan and work around your availability, rather than wondering if you’re okay or if it’s appropriate to reach out.
fight for grad student support if you can. there are so many groups of people in the higher ed space who are looking at an uncertain and scary future - faculty are of course not immune from raise freezes, furlough days, course reductions, or layoffs. but many of the spaces wehre grad student support is debated are completely closed to those students. be an advocate for your students in departmental meetings, with your deans, with your provost. even if the answer is “there’s nothing we can do”, the fact that you advocated for them means that there’s some record of the need, and that helps.
be available after the defense, if possible. many of the soon-to-be degree holders i work with are panicked that they’ll be far from campus, degree in hand, and no access to their supports as they try and navigate whatever the market becomes next. you of course are not single-handedly responsible for supporting every one of your alums, but an email check in, video catch up, or a renewed committment to writing letters goes a long way right now.
no one person can fix this on their own. no amount of zoom meetings or reading drafts in an hour and getting them back will guarantee grad students a job, or a market when this is over. a lot of people are going to be facing hardships of their own - which is why we all have to figure out what support we can offer without draining all of our own resources. this is going to change higher ed. this is going to define an entire generation of future scholars. believe your grad students when they say that this is really hard. know that their struggles don’t invalidate yours, but they are different, as those with less power and less stability always feel the impacts of global situations more acutely. grad students aren’t a monolith - this 100% exacerbates the insecurity felt by first generation and underrepresented scholars, those with less financial security, and those who have many responsibilities outside of their work.
empathy helps. meet people where they are. ask them what they need rather than assuming you know what will help. be prepared to think about the limits to your own resources, and how you can use them efficiently and effectively to support your students. no one gets this right from the jump - we all have to apologize when we hurt when we were trying to help, and try and do better once we know better. we do the best we can.