some days, i feel sticky, heavy, sluggish. the reasons change, and sometimes i can’t pinpoint the reason at all. but when the heaviness descends, it activates a whole sequence of things:
aversion to the important tasks i have that day
aversion to any planning at all
guilt about not working when other people “have it worse”
shame about my own inability to “be resilient” and bounce back
feeling like i have to “catch up” the next day
avoiding my desk because i have so much to do
REPEAT
it’s a tough way to feel - especially when you have things that need to get done. but it’s also a normal way to feel when you’re confronted with a lot of insecurity and loss and fear and sadness and grief. so, i have a two pronged approach to it:
accepting that heaviness is part of the cycle and i don’t need to “fight it” all the time. i will literally put my hand on my heart and say: you are allowed to feel this way. this is allowed. there is nothing to fix here.
figuring out what i can do, and doing that on purpose.
the dual approach means that i’m not forcing myself to move out of a feeling any faster than i naturally would, if i move out of it at all. i meet myself where i am, and work from there, instead of hoping that a magical new to do list will reinvigorate me and i’ll be even MORE productive than i was before.
there are a few things though that support me when i’m in the second phase - trying to figure out what i can do.
try doing something that moves my body - if i’m in my bed doom scrolling, it’s really hard to get out of that mindset. even if i move to my desk, i’m still likely to be consumed by the heaviness, just on my laptop and not my phone. so if i wake up feeling heavy, i try and shift to do something physical. a workout is ideal but lol that doesn’t always happen, so i will also clean up dishes, pick up clothes from my floor, start a load of laundry, clean a toilet, stand up and work on a puzzle. anything to get the body moving.
start with the easiest thing - easy wins feel good. checking things off the list feels good. the hard thing is normally the hard thing for a reason - warm up to it. and even if you never get to the hard thing, at least you did get some things checked off.
pick a task, any task - sometimes i will run my finger up and down my to do list with my eyes closed and just pick something to try. you could work from the bottom if you normally start at the top. sometimes a random chance helps shake up the energy a little.
try a new workspace - couch office isn’t my preferred working space, but if the choice is between nothing and couch office, couch office it is!
work on a long term project that isn’t urgent - sometimes we need a little hit of creativity, and projects in the planning phase can often give us that. try it.
set a timer and try again later. sometimes i just need the morning off - i decide to try again at noon, or 2, or at 4 pm. be present for the time off, and be open to the idea that you might be feeling differently when you try again.
the heavy feeling is a lot like quicksand - the more you fight against it, the quicker it draws you in. the more you tell yourself that you can’t have any feelings, the more you’re going to feel them. but if you take a few deep breaths and stop thrashing, it makes it easier to find your footing. you can be where you are without it pulling you under. and eventually, something, someone might come along and throw you a rope to get out of it - and that person could even be you.