last night, as i was laying on the couch, watching STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION and wondering if three cookies would fill the emotional need that two cookies had not, i said to my husband:
”everyone i know is hitting a wall right now. i can’t tell if that makes me feel better or worse.”
i’ve had so many conversations - in my community, with one-on-one sessions, with friends, with colleagues - about how tough the start of the year has been, and how we expected it to be smoother, and how we were all throwing temper tantrums about it.
i myself just…..didn’t write tweets or schedule posts for instagram last week. i kept having it on my list for the day, and then i played Stardew Valley and read a lot of books and articles about ADHD and the emotional impacts of executive dysfunction and i drank a lot of tea and i showed up for all my clients but i still didn’t write the tweets.
the coach voice in my brain keeps trying to step in and suggest other activities to try - “what if you actually planned your vegetable garden for next year rather than farming a digital garden full of a made up fruit called Qi Berries?” or “what if you worked on your knitting while you listened to one of these books on audio rather than scrolling the web endlessly?” or “what if you made it a really delicious bath with candles and epsom salts and a good meditation session instead of watching all of FIREFLY LANE?” and the louder, clearer part of me kept coming back with:
NO. Don’t want to. Don’t feel like it. Stop suggesting things! I will just play more Stardew Valley to SPITE YOU.
and so i have been, as one of my favorite instagram follows Yumi Sakugawa would put it, grumping it out. rather than trying to force myself to “be productive” or “rest better” or “be more positive about it all” i am being GRUMPY about it. i’m eating some cookies. i’m watching my favorite shows. i’m making dates with friends over zoom so that we can be grumpy together. i’m sleeping a little bit more and actually really leaning into some yoga, which is surprising but i’m going with it.
and while i wish i could share that this has been really creatively useful time for me, and that i expect i’ll be back soon with new courses and workbooks and a renewed understanding of rest, i don’t know that any of that is true.
what i do know is true is that everyone - me, you, everyone - has been going through a series of interlocking and concurrent traumas in the past year. and there is grief that is building up. and anger, and frustration, and sadness, and fear, and worry are maybe building up for you, too.
grumping it out won’t make substantial change in climate policy and it won’t shift the balance of power in more equitable ways. it won’t end lockdowns and it won’t fix the job market and it will not undo the fact that there will always be an unequal distribution of pain, violence, and resources.
grumping it out is an acknowledgement that there is a limit to the amount of work we can do, consoling and cajoling ourselves to keep going, when things are hard. grumping it out is a way to deal with the unfairness of it, the pain of it, the grief of it - to feel it, to give it attention, and start to unpack it a little; so many of us have been shoving these situations to the side to focus on publications and work and family, and sometimes it’s going to bubble up.
i do feel the grump starting to lift a little bit - i only needed one bribe of truly disgusting but also oddly satisfying dunkin donuts mocha latte cereal to make it to my desk today! i can focus a little longer, wake up a little easier, find a little more spark in it all. i’m not all the way back, but some of the way is much better, and grumping it out got me there. may you find a little bit of solace and comfort as you grump it out, and move into the next phase of whatever this year wants to be.