episode 17 - Watch me do it: when making the podcast got hard (and what I did about it)
Okay, okay - I've given you 16 episodes (so far) of things that are hard, questions to help you dig deeper, and experiments to try....but now, you can watch me walk the walk and actually take myself through the process.
That's right - this podcast has been feeling HARD for me the last few weeks - and I use my own system to get to the bottom of that stickiness, and do something about it. If you have ever wanted to see the tools in action, this is the episode for you. I get vulnerable, I get honest, and I talk about what I do when I start to avoid things, and how I have learned to stop before it goes full on shame spiral.
Plus I let you in on what this podcast will look like when I get back on February 28!
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Welcome to Grad School is Hard, But... A Thrive PhD podcast. I'm Dr. Katy Peplin and this is a show for everyone who's doing the hard work of being a human and a scholar. We'll talk about why some of these things are so hard, and how that difficulty is showing up for you. Each episode has practical strategies to experiment with -- just because it's hard now doesn't mean it always has to be.
If you liked AcWriMo, then you're going to love March madness. Sign up for a free month of writing resources, trackers, dashboards, and prizes at the link in the show notes.
All right. After 16 episodes of walking you through all of the things that can be really hard about grad school. I'm excited to offer this episode, which I'm calling "Watch me do it" as I walked through my own particular season of stickiness. I'll let you know how I use various tools. What's so hard about the sticky season that I'm feeling in. And a couple of experiments that I myself have done.
So that you can see not only what I'm suggesting that you do, but how I do it when I am feeling like something is really hard. Let's get into it.
So. I am here to admit to you that I have been feeling a little bit off about this podcast. Not about its mission, not about what it's doing. All of those things are working so well. I've met so many new people. I've had even a few new clients book through this podcast. And most importantly, I feel like it's really doing its job.
Which is to share some important, useful, valuable advice, strategies, and tools For grad school for free on the internet. Because grad school's hard enough without all of the good stuff being tucked behind various paywalls and expensive coaches and heaven forbid your advisors. So the podcast itself feels like it's been working really well.
But the format has been feeling sticky. So, how did I know it was feeling sticky? I will fess up to you that the first sign for me was that I was avoiding it. At first, it was a gentle avoidance. I really liked to record these on Thursday or at the latest on Friday, the week before they were supposed to go out so that I would have time to edit them and polish the transcripts and make sure that everything was ready to go so that I wasn't stressed about it. But that's been drifting a little bit. At first, I was just snoozing those tasks from Wednesday to Thursday to Friday. But the last couple of weeks. I'll be honest. I've been recording them Monday the day before they go live. But that is something that for me was different and it was a piece of data to notice.
The other piece of data that came in, that was very different from what I'd been experiencing before was I felt like I had no new ideas for the podcast. Now, when I got started on the podcast, I made a list of no joke, 40 different things that I could talk about. So I had 40 things on this list and I've only done 16 of them. But I looked at it and I just didn't feel inspired. All of that stuff that felt so important to share. I just felt like it wasn't exciting. It wasn't sparkly. I was really digging into the corners of the old brain purse to see if there was anything in there that got me a little bit more excited to record. And there just wasn't. I didn't feel like I had any ideas. And in fact, that's what I wrote in my journal this morning.
So when I am feeling sticky like this, as evidenced by my avoidance and some of my negative brain thoughts about it. There are two main questions that I consider before I jump to any conclusions about what that data could or should mean. And I'm going to share them with you now so that you get to see not just the questions, but how a real life human might answer them. So the first question that I ask myself that I ask clients that I ask anyone who's going through a sticky situation is I say, okay, is there something else that's going on that could be impacting?
And for me, 100%, the answer is yes. I've mentioned before that I have a chronic illness. I live with endometriosis, which depending on the day can cause me anything from back pain to brain fog, to fatigue, all sorts of fun and exciting symptoms that wax and wane throughout the month, but for the last two ish months, I've been taking a new medication for it. And that new medication it's been kicking my butt a little bit.
And the details of that aren't specifically important to this podcast. But the outcome is, and I'm in more pain than I usually am. My brain fog is more intense than it usually is. And it makes sense that if I feel like my brain isn't firing on all cylinders. Of course, a big project that I do by myself; that's creative and has high stakes. It feels more challenging than it might otherwise.
Now the reason, this question is so important for me is because it gives me a sense that it might not just be the podcast. There might be things about the podcast that feel a little bit sticky, but it could also be that just creative work in general feels harder than normal right now. And that's important to differentiate.
It's not that the podcast is a hundred percent broken or that my brain is a hundred percent broken, but the combination of the stickiness in the podcast and the pain that I'm in means that it feels harder on both sides.
The second question that I use when I'm feeling really sticky especially when I'm having strong negative thoughts that feel really true. Like "I have no new ideas" or "the podcast is over." The question that I use is, are you sure? It's a gentle question that I've inherited from Martha Beck. And her book, the way of integrity, and it's been really effective for me to be like, okay,
Brain says I have no new ideas. Question. Am I sure about that? And I'm actually not sure about that. Because I have all kinds of new ideas. I have new ideas for March madness, the free month of writing resources. I have ideas for new courses that I want to run a new download program that I want to start. I have ideas coming out of my ears.
It's just that none of them. And even the ideas that I had listed in my possible podcast topic list. Those ideas don't seem to fit as well into the format that I've used for the last couple of episodes where I talk about a little bit of an intro, I give you questions and then some experiments. So it's not that I don't have ideas. It's just that they don't fit as well into the formula that I've been using.
So, I'm not sure that I have no ideas and I'm not sure that the podcast is over and I should just hang it up. And this'll be a fun thing that I did for a couple of months. So.
What experiments did I try? Gentle listeners? I would love to tell you. I did three things this week to help me get to the bottom of what felt so sticky about the podcast.
The first thing I did was make a list of what works and what feels hard about it. Now. When I sat down to make this list, I expected that what I would write down in the, what works column was nothing and what feels hard about it, everything end of list. And actually lots of things feel like they're working about it. I mentioned a lot of them up top.
That I'm meeting new people, that I'm spreading information that doesn't have a good place to be found in other places, that it's a short, accessible format that people can listen to it on the go. There's lots of things that are working about it. And actually the thing that feels so hard about the podcast in specific is this format.
Which brings me to experiment number two, which is what I call blank page imagination. I use this experiment when I feel stuck. Because I've been doing something a certain way. Maybe I've been writing a chapter a certain way. I've used a certain task manager or planner system. I just feel stuck because what I'm doing, it works a little bit, but not all the way. And I can't imagine a new way forward using what I've been using before. There's no real clear pivot to me. So I get out a blank page of paper and I say, okay, if there was no podcast,
If there were no previous episodes, what would you do right now? What format would you use? There's no rules. What would it be if you had a blank page and all of the time and space and resources in the universe to do it? And when I did that blank page exercise, I had so many new ideas.
And you spoiler alert, might hear a little bit about them in a couple of minutes. But it really helped me see that. Okay. I do have ideas. I now just need to figure out how to move from point A where I'm at right now to point B or C or D or E. Any of the other places that I outlined on that blank page.
Now there's some work and this episode is part of that work, tracing that journey, but it's so much easier to say, okay, how do I get from point A to point E if you delineate them than it is to just sit in the stickiness and think, Ugh, I'm stuck. I'm stuck. I'm stuck on a loop. And. The third experiment.
Potentially the most important experiment. I'm just going to try it. Now. This one is very scary for me. Hi, I am recording this in the quiet of my office. I feel as supported as I possibly can. And I'm still terrified. My heart is beating like a lion is chasing me. And all because I'm announcing to you that Imma change the podcast a little bit.
It feels so scary because I feel like. You're going to be disappointed. You're going to be upset, maybe you'll stop listening and you know, maybe you will. But I think that if I pay attention to when things feel a little bit off, then I can avoid what I know is the end of this particular feelings, behavior cycle for me.
I know that if I don't pay attention in the beginning, when things feel sticky, what I start to do is I avoid it and I avoid it and I avoid it until I become so locked up that I don't do it at all. And I was really nervous that I would just not record this week's episode. And then feel so bad about missing a week that I would miss another week. And then all of a sudden there would be three or four weeks where the podcast went dark. And I just didn't tell you about it. And I would live in constant fear that someone would email me and say, Hey, what's happening with the podcast?
Or even worse that no one would notice. All of those outcomes are bad. All of those outcomes are things that I've done and lived through before. And that's why I know to pay attention to the data of, I feel a little bit sticky about this. I'm avoiding it a little.
So. The result of my, try it experiment is that I'm happy to announce that after a one week break, the podcast will be back for season two, starting on February 28th. And in season two, I'm going to introduce tools, books, thoughts, ideas, experiments, pieces of software, all kinds of things that I found in my journey --preference, for things that you can get free or very low cost or at your library-- and things that make grad school less hard.
Those things are important. I want to talk about them and I'm going to try doing it in a different format. I'm nervous about it, but I'm hopeful that you will stick around to see what season two feels like. And maybe season three or season four, when invariably I reach the end of that particular iteration, want a little bit of sparkle and shake things up again.
Now I feel very vulnerable having recorded this. I feel a little bit nervous about sending it out into the world, but my hope is that by watching me narrate, or I guess listening to me, narrate my way through some of these sticky patches. You can see, not just how you could do it, but what it looks like when somebody does it.
And my biggest deepest hope is that it gives you just a little bit more courage, a little bit more bravery to try a pivot yourself. Not because there's a crisis, not because you are locked up, but because it's important to notice your data as the patterns start to emerge. Thank you so much for listening.
I can't wait to see you back here on February 28th for season two. Grad school is hard, but. See you then.
📍 Thank you for listening to Grad School is Hard, but... You can find more information and resources in the show notes and at thrive-phd.com. And if you're liking what you're hearing, please subscribe, rate, and review to help other people find the show. Thanks so much and I'll see you again soon!